Thursday, January 25, 2007

You leave this world like you entered it: with nothing

So, yesterday my mom told me that my grandpa is dying of lung cancer. This is in addition to my grandma who has been slowly dying of breast cancer (I think). They live in Bonita Springs, FL. (These are my slightly psychotic and bigoted paternal grandparents. The ones my mom and aunt went to see the 2005 hurricane season and who didn't want to fucking evacuate during Rita or something.)

Now, my grandpa was the one, along with my great aunt Lily, that was taking care of grandma. Obviously that is not happening anymore. Grandpa is in a hospice right now. My Aunt Mary called tonight from Arizona to say that granpda is probably not going to make it until Monday. He must have had lung cancer for a while now and just not known it (he's been feeling sick for a long time, but stupidly wouldn't go to a doctor, just like my grandma, which is why SHE is dying of a different cancer too!). So he's crashing pretty fast now.

Once he goes, my dad is going to Florida and bringing my grandma back up to live with him for however long she's got. He's looking to hire someone to live in-house as a caretaker. She doesn't want to be in a home, and I don't blame her, not with all the geriatric care problems these homes seem to have. Her house is going to have to be cleaned and sold and that is going to be a big fucking mess. My aunt and I discussed that. This is the house that my aunt and mom had to clean last time because it was infested with palmetto bugs (i.e. GIGANTIC FUCKING COCKROACHES), and my aunt has since paid for a regularly visiting exterminator. They just couldn't take care of the place any more.

I don't necessarily feel bad about the whole dying thing. They're old, and as I've mentioned often in the past, I do have beef with them for being really stupid and bigoted. What my dad is doing? Another big example of how he (and by extension, my mom) has always dropped shit to help them out even while being treated like second class family. I am still angry at hearing how my grandpa (not my biological grandpa, but the only one I've known) was making crack-ass remarks about Mexicans while my mom (A MEXICAN) was slaving away trying to help them out the last visit. They have always treated my dad and our family as secondary to my Uncle Otis (dad's older sibling) and Aunt Mary's family. We're just the Beaners; they're the chosen Aryans as I like to call it.

Is it my UNCLE AND AUNT taking grandma in? Hell no. Don't get me wrong, I like my aunt, but I think my uncle gets away with shit. He's retired and has more money and a bigger fucking house(s). Why the fuck isn't he doing this? Because my dad has the bigger heart apparently, even though I know grandma (his own mother) can drive him up the fucking wall.

[Incidentally, I'm scared by how similar I am to my dad at this point. I got his temper and lack of tolerance for bullshit, that's for sure. I guess I'm seeing more clearly how my dad just sacks up and takes even the crappy stuff other people won't do. We bitch and moan about it, but we get it done. I guess this means it will only take me 30 more years to mellow out...better keep doing the yoga.]

I'm going to have to go over to my dad's and help clean out the two other bedrooms in preparation for the move. I have some stuff in storage in one of them. He said not to worry about it yet, but hell, better do it now. Grandpa isn't going to be living much longer which means Grandma is going to have to be moved up here lickety-split. What a fucking mess. I'm going to have to suck it up and help. I'm angry about how they've acted, but I need to get over it enough to be civil. They're old and dying.

A day, a week, a month, a year: eventually time runs out and what do you have left?

Seriously, fuck this existential bullshit. I'm going to get a whiskey.