[Blank]-O-Matic 3000, Things That Should Be Invented

I am enjoying a tomato mozzarella salad from Panera for lunch. I love me that combination of tomato/mozza/basil.

 

In my half clandestine gardening experiment, I have planted both basil and tomatoes. I wish I could plant mozzarella. But unfortunately, planting little balls of mozzarella does not result in great big mozzarella plants.

 

In other things I wish existed (chiefly for last week): a detachable uterus. Kind of like the "Detachable Penis" that King Missile sang about back in the 90s. Lorena Bobbit did try to do the whole detachable penis thing, but as we all know, that had some issues.

 

My Detachable Uterus would feature:

 

A convenient front opening door with hidden zipper for easy removal and reinsertion.

Color coded connections for easy re-connection back to Fallopian Tubes and Cervix.

 

Great for when:

• you don't want to get pregnant,
• want to be unemotional (wow! now females can easily engage in "this is just no strings attached sex" and engage in hostile corporate take-overs just like men!), and...
• especially for those weeks when you have cramps so bad all you want to do is drink whiskey, eat expensive chocolates, and bitch-slap every man you see.

 

Using the Detachable Uterus-O-Matic 3000 would thus have side benefits of preventing alcoholism, obesity and random (though surely deserved 99% of the time) violence towards men. Special cleaning solution and washing pouf included if you BUY NOW for only THREE EASY INSTALLMENTS of 49.99!

 

Seriously, if I could have removed my uterus for 3 days last week, it would have been great. Fucking cramps. Oh, and a Flow-Regulator-O-Matic 3000 wouldn't hurt either. It's like either the faucet is GUSHING or driiiiiiiip....driiiiiiiiip....driiiiiiiip. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND, GIRL-PARTS!

 

In other news: I meant to make one more comment about the History Boys movie in a previous post. To clarify: yes, I really do like the movie (excellent); I was just like "holee shit!" during parts of it. The thing that absolutely fucking cracked me up at the end? The music that played during the credits. I heard the first few words being sung and was like "it's fucking Rufus Wainwright!" Oh Lord. I laughed. How apropos!