Saturday, September 01, 2007

Men are like Parking Spaces/ Rules of Un-Engagement

"All the good ones are taken.

The rest are handicapped."


Oh well, even if being "taken" weren't the case in the
example I've most recently observed, it would conflict
with my Rule (#1) of never dating a

I made that mistake once, and once only. There is no
amount of great, even tolerable, kissy-kissy-bang-bang
that is worth the inevitable problems caused once the
break up happens. I don't want to be in the same
fucking AREA CODE, let alone an office or classroom
once it's over.

I don't even know how I made it through that semester
after I got dumped by that jackass
ex-Mormon-wannabe-Pagan (EMWP). Sitting in the same
room was torture. I would drive home on the Edens
absolutely fucking losing my mind, crying hysterically
and screaming myself hoarse after class. (And in case
you're wondering, NO, I don't take break-ups well.)

Rule #2: Avoid dating someone who's got spawn to care
for. Not that this doesn't work out on occasion (my
brother is a working example; my SIL had a son - my
nephew - before she met my brother), but let's be
realistic. Jackass EMWP I broke Rule #1 with had
spawn. One year younger than me, had a kid by 19 and
already divorced. His ex tried to kill him two times.
Damn shame she missed both times, I say. I mean,
really, what else can you say besides, he's fucked up,
she's fucked up and their kid is gonna BE fucked up?
AND USE A GODDAMN FUCKING CONDOM, you fertile myrtles.
Oh, good story of Cuckoo spawn not working? My idiot
cousin knocked a girl up (he could've been charged
with statutory, the IDIOT). She had his spawn.
Eventually the whole thing went bust, but they knocked
boots on occasion. She got pregnant again. Said it was
his. Treats it like his own. Few years later -
surprise! That second one wasn't his! She was fucking
around with another guy. Except she tells me cousin if
he doesn't continue to pay for the Cuckoo, he's not
going to see his own kid. Okay, that girl is a
flat-out gang-banging ho. But you see my point.

Can I just pose a general question? WHY THE HELL DON'T
PEOPLE USE CONDOMS?! Don't give me that "dulls the
sensation" crap either. That's what you have toys and
lube for.

Rule #3: Never call after the end. Never. Lose the
number, delete the emails, burn all remembrances.
Learned that the hard way, too, after the Cheesehead.
Put it to use with the EWMP. Cold Turkey is best.